From the diaries of an expectant man من مذكرات رجل على شفا الأبوّة

TODAY?????

2005-08-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

WHAT??
Your date is between 18 and 25...
Today?
Are you serious?
We're not ready..

I have to fix my digital camera...

I have to buy a video camera..

I have to finish the mouse experiment's Excel table...

I need to do some graphs...

I have to publish some posts...

We have a serious meeting tomorrow...

Your mom's mom is coming tomorrow...

Are you starting with a surprise?

Is it true or false alarm...

Today?

When will you come?

2005-08-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

When are you coming?
Seriously...
we now can feel your body from outside.

Is this your head? Your legs? Your.. rear???

You're so big now...
When are you coming?

Your mom says: "I really wish to see you"...

How will you look like?

2005-08-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Some serious questions now started to impose themselves on us...

How you will look like?
What kind of smile will you have?
ًWe are curious..

You can be many things. Yes you will have dark hair and eyes.. But how things will come together?

I really wish you won't be as cranky as I am.
Don't cry a lot.
Smile and take things the way your mother does.
Don't be pessimistic please...

and..
What will we really call you?

We're out of creativity..

Karim?
Nader?
Bassem?
ZOUZOU.. that's your best nickname ever

ظوظو ظوظو ظوظو

Yes.. you're moving. You're a person

2005-05-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we have had the greatest ultrasound,
you're now a big boy!
Your heart is beating,
your gender was again confirmed,
your legs moving,
your hands waiving,
your spine so strong.

It was a great joy for me, your mom, and your grandparents who are seeing you for the first time.

(I need some time to scan the photos)

رأيناك بالأمس كما لم نرَك من قبل،
أنت الآن أكبر كثيراً.
قلبك ينبُض،
تأكّدنا أنك ولد،
قدماك تتحرّكان،
يداك تلوّحان،
عمودك الفقري يثبّتك،

كانت فرحة كبيرة لي ولأمّك ولجدّيك (أبي وأمّي) الذان يريانك للمرّة الأولى.
ـ

To my boy whom I haven't met...

2005-04-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

My son,
my new friend,
my latest discovery,
and my never-ending passion,

I wish I could spare you the difficulties of this crazy world.
Will you blame me when, one day,
with a heart broken by love, or pain…
or a body broken by sickness…
or a soul broken by sin, you will ask yourself and point your finger to me and to Our Father: "Why did you bring me to this world?"

I wish I--myself--can find an answer to this question.

What else could I have done? What else could I have delivered to you rather than this gift of life,
this amazingly disturbing and unexplainable gift.
The only alternative would have been not to have you at all, not to unite together.
Every time you will blame me for bringing you to life…
Every time you will ask the difficult questions…
Remember one thing:
we are giving what we received,
a love from a greater love,
we are flowing with an overwhelming flow that we cannot comprehend,
that we enjoy in suffering and comfort,
in difficulties and ease,
in moments of birth and death,
growth and stabilility,
joy and sorrow,

This is a part of the mystery of love,
Maybe you’re the one who will solve the mystery,
or at least—and I am sure you will be—the one who will add a great stroke to life’s masterpiece.

A boy... Are you?

2005-03-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

Today we saw you for the third time. The ultrasound showed us your beating heart, exercising to get you on your own once you're out in this world.
They measured your head, your spine, your legs.
They looked at your face, your kidneys, and your stomach.

This is a great gift for your mother's birthday (tomorrow).

The nurse said you are most probably a boy.
A boy!

All kind of images came to my mind.
My father and me: holding my hand by the Alexandria shore. Telling me stories: stories about sea.. about waves.. about infinity..

I too want to hold your hand. I really want to hug you as little a baby as you will be, to walk with you when you become a little child, to tell you stories about this world and all the worlds.
I want you to fly with the wings of imagination,
to run untamed, but safe.
I know--and I keep repeating it--that you're not mine. You're nobody's. You are yourself and you only belong to Him who is your source and your destiny.

I dream of seeing you grow up. I see you running by the sea shore... Looking at the infinity, sailing everywhere, asking what is beyond this sea.. beyond that sky.
I am sorry. I cannot spare you from my personal imagination. I know you may be totally different. I know you may be hyperactive, athletic, and you may hate staring at the sea. I love you for that and I will respect it, or so I hope. You are not my extrapolation, nor my shadow.
However, I cannot but see you with my eyes. Tomorrow you will teach me another lesson about love.
You will teach me another tough one about respect.
But today… let me dream for a while.

I know I cannot keep you safe. I cannot hide you in my wings, although I wish I could. But, after all, who am I to protect you? I cannot even protect myself. It is hard for you to hear this from your father: your ultimate model, according to the know-it-all psychologists. But I cannot lie to you. Only one can protect you: He who I wish will take your hands all along your life course. He whom I wish you meet and learn to love, and I am sure you will. He will never abandon you, in the heart of the toughest pain.

I have to let you go, step by step, slowly, without escaping a bit my responsibility, to chaperone you until you reach the point where you continue your trip alone.

My son... (My son! Wow! How does it sound?)

My son...
my new friend...
my latest discovery
and my never-ending passion.
I need to learn to love you and I will never stop to.

One more confirmation

2005-01-25T06:28:00.000-08:00

اليوم نراك/نراكِ بشكل آخر.
لستَ الآن مجرّد نتوء في الرحم.
شكلك يتّخذ شكل الجنين.
تماماً مثل الكتاب، لكنّك بلا شكل لا تشابه آحداً على الإطلاق.
ـ

Today we see you much more clearer.
The ultrasound shows you more than a little protrusion in the uterus.
You look like these embryos in the book...
But no: you're not like anyone else.
We know that

ظوظو ظاظا... You.. He or She

2005-01-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

أنت من الآن ظوظو/ظاظا
لا يجب أن نتحدّث عنكَ فقط في المذكّر
سنتحدّث عنكِ شهراً كبنت وشهراً كولد
حتّى نعرف من تكون

First Glimpseأوّل نظرة

2005-01-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

ٌToday we had our first glimpse on you.
I was so concerned: will we see anything? Was it a false pregnancy? Are you still alive?
I was also concerned that the stupid ultrasound will bother you or affect your genes or cells.

But, finally, we did see you.
Surprise??
We knew you're almost two-weeks-old. How big can you be?
Yes.. we knew you would be that small, but it's never like seeing it.
Oh God!
I know that pregnancy is a very trivial thing; almost everybody has it. But, for us, it's the first time and--so far--it seems so amazing.
You're that small and you can grow and become a person.. a human.

اليوم ألقينا النظرة الأولى عليك.
كانت تجول بذهني وقلبي مخاوف كثيرة. متقبِّلٌ أنا فكرة أن نكون قد فقداك، أو ألاّ نكون قد أعطيناك من الأساس. لكنّني أحبّ أن أعرف الآن.
أنا قلق أيضاً من هذه الموجات فوق الصوتيّة اللعينة. هل ستصيبك بأيّ مكروه يؤثر في خلاياك أو چيناتك في هذه المرحلة الحرجة؟

لكن.. أخيراً
رأيناك!
كنّا نعرف أنّك-أنت ذي الأسبوعين-ستكون صغيراً. لكنّنا لم نتصوّر شكل الصغر وصورته.
يا الله! أنا عارف أنّ الحمل شيء عادي جدّاً يحدث تقريباً لكلّ إنسان. لكن، بالنسبة لنا هي المرّة الأولى، وهي-حتّى الآن-مذهلة.
ما أصغرك، ومع ذلك، ستنمو إلى قامة شخص..
إنسان!
ـ

Will we ever meet you?

2005-01-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Today, your mother had a minor bleeding.
Being the inexperienced parents we are, we were so scared. We didn't tell each other our greatest fear: what if it was a stillbirth?

Will you be OK and safe? What if you--God forbid--never saw the light of this world. Was it a dream in vein? An "unfinished" project, an "unachieved" task?

No..
You would already have touched our hearts. You would already have prepared us for more love and more humbleness regarding the mystery of this life. You would already have taught us a lesson about the value of an unborn child, and the meaning of other people's sufferings and struggles.

إلى طفلي/طفلتي في العام الجديد

2004-12-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

أيّ عالم هذا الذي أجلبك إليه؟
حروب.. صراعات.. إرهاب.. تعذيب.. ظلم..

لماذا يا ترى فعلتُها ووافقت؟

لا أعرف...
صدّقني لا أعرف.

قد تسخر منّي-في حكمة عصرك وثقافة أيّامك-إن قُلت إنّه شيء أكبر منّي.

أنا لم "أقرِّر" أيّ شيء ولم أكن "مسيّراً"، لكنّني اخترتُ أشياء تحدث لي.. وافقت عليها.
قبلت حياةً لم أخترها،
قبلت مغامرات لا أعرف نهايتها،
قبلت تحدّي مواجهة العالم وما فيه.

عالم مقندل كما ترى،
لكنّه أيضاً مليء بالخير،
ابحث،
انظر،
لا تصدّق كلّ ما تسمع،
هناك خير كثير مدفون ومتناثر،
لعلّك أنت من ينتظره العالم،
من يدري؟

Books.. and more books

2004-12-29T10:41:00.000-08:00

(will post it later)

First letter to my child

2004-12-25T11:46:00.000-08:00

(will post it later)

كلاااااااام الناس

2004-12-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

زهقونا. كلّ واحد بيقول حاجة شكل.
عارفين إنّها حاجة عاديّة...
عارفين إنّها صعبة...
عارفين إنّنا استعجلنا وأعلنّا الخبر...
عارفين إنّ فيه ناس بتؤمن بالحسد،
وإنّ فيه ناس لا تؤمن به،
وعارفين إنّ فيه مليون طريقة خاطئة وسليمة للتكهّن بنوع الجنين،
ومليون طريقة لفقده أو الحفاظ عليه...
بس بالراحة علينا
اسكتوا شويّة

How positive is positive?

2004-12-22T03:38:00.000-08:00

What? No No
We have had the test last month and it was negative.

My scientific training is invading me.
My suspicious nature is prevailing
Positive? How can I be sure.
I have to "repeat the test using a different kit!"
I may even have to do a parralel test using a urine that is known to be negative. Mine??

....

So we went out at 3 or 4 in the morning, I can't remember.
And... we bought another kit, another brand...
Huh.. It is confirmed...